Whew!! I’m excited to say this for myself, I am back! As a whole, for myself and on the blog. Happy to be writing on here again and I hope you have all been good and did miss my small yarns. This was a big deal for me personally so I’m definitely proud of myself. The thing is, it wasn’t really that I didn’t believe I could, I knew I could, I just couldn’t boast of it considering where my mind had carried me to (to where I no know mehn). Yo, I was strugglinggg and the worst part of it all was, I didn’t realize at fist I was, until I did.
I embarked on an 30day challenge (at first) and then I moved it up to 60days because I had to tell myself the truth and the truth was, I wasn’t there yet, if I had stopped there, I’d have run right back; back to my minds cage, to feeling like there’s no point, no need, but the Holyspirit said ‘are you going to tell yourself the truth tdear or should I tell you?’ and that’s my guy, it doesn’t get no real-er than His truth but of course I knew…
So here’s where my wake up started from – a post from Itiayo that I just happened to see and it was about a 30day Instagram challenge. I checked a couple of her other posts and I was just inspired. Eventually when I understood what I was receiving indirectly from her feed, I knew I had to take it up asap! I didn’t know what to call my challenge because it was not about a following for me, I had picked up a disgusting phobia for sharing and just being online due to a personal mental place I allowed myself delve into owed to a circumstantial situation (like I’ve said before, I’m easily my most effective bully, I do it so well, nobody can do it worse for me) and I felt that until I was back in my ‘element’ I had nothing to, well to give outside of my immediate space. What started off as ‘check and balance for myself’ soon became an imprisonment and I did try to keep up but every now and then I’ll just kill it all again. Writing this now, I’m actually shaking my head at myself. I thank God I too can say, I’ve come through a path I would have been a lot more confident I wouldn’t have, especially knowing how dependent I am on God. That definitely was the first lesson I picked up and I believe is most profound to me;
God loves us too much to baby us through writing ourselves off, when He wouldn’t even do that to us (Do you understand that He gave Himself up through Jesus to die just to prove that point)? So it doesn’t matter that He knows we love Him and that He’s working with us, time may have to pass slowly and He will stay with you through it BUT, we have to believe His truth completely and confidently (not in pride, these are two different concepts) and until I snapped back into really reminding myself of who I am in Him and who I am as a person, not because of a situational change or because the external climate was fair weather but just because His truth about myself is true and I believe who I am, I was never going to be free. Mind you I have an awesome support system (I bet that’s a bit too obvious) but I still dealt. This was my second lesson;
You get to crossroads in your journey and you’re going to be permitted to walk alone. Walking alone doesn’t mean you don’t have people around who love you, care for you, support you but, you’ll still need all that love and support from you! You have to give you that, it’s crucial!
I called my challenge at first the ‘30day community challenge’. I choose this because of the message of community, I wasn’t embarking on it because of a larger following (that comes someway, someday), but if I had to challenge myself to remember who I am and love me back, why should I want numbers that don’t want me? A community gets you, there’s communal living, they understand your message, it’s not weird or annoying to them, they want to be there, this is who I am and what I’ve always craved even though I may not have been as bold as I am now to demand or be satisfied with it (people pleasing) and being this hard with myself has shown me that I stylishly can be. I saw my numbers reduce with every other increase and at first I thought was I going about this wrong? Thankfully this journey I embarked is not a hasty one, it was not without consulting my heavenly Father and as with every challenge, it wasn’t without some level of readiness to see somtin! Before you know, I got more excited at the ‘unfollowing’ than the ‘following’ because I began to understand, that’s exactly the point – truth! Those who unsubscribe are only telling themselves the truth I’m also choosing to tell myself and that is that I want to be only where I want to be. I don’t have to follow you to love a share, to celebrate you, to know you, no I don’t and vice versa – we all have to make choices that moves us one step closer to fullness and what we accept and subscribe too is a considerable part of that.
I also solidified the knowledge I already had and that is; be inspired, don’t copy. Itiayo’s 30day challenge inspired me to get out of my box and share from the plenty I boxed up, but by day 30, I was still on ‘routine energy’. Don’t get me wrong, I shared in truth BUT, I was pressed for proving a point and consistency, I wasn’t free yet. It’s great because accountability is where to start but if I had stopped at 30days just because that’s the viral staple, well, let me just tell you now that infact by day 29, I posted nothing, I didn’t post, lol that day was a mess for me and I would have preferred to just curl back into my shell but again, my ultimate care giver met me with the truth and I knew He was speaking to my heart and He was with me on the challenge (see ehn, everyone needs the holyspirit periodt), so I continued and I kid you not, my freedom came only a couple days after.
How did I know? Well, do I still know how? Lol! I just know I felt my boldness I guess. I began to create with a little more excitement than ever before my crash. I had something to share and I wanted to share it, even if only one person would see. Guess what? I’m still there. Look at me, I would think I’ve been vulnerable in some other blog posts but nothing comes as close to this – telling you reading this that I was not confident in who I was anymore and listen, this isn’t pride but I’m a pretty darn awesome human being, flaws, situations, circumstances and all (oyaaa let me be honest, that last line pinch me small to type haha)!
So here’s my summary: I’m not going to be your best human, you’re not going to like me and that may or may not be due to experiences we’ve shared but, I’m never going to be the person who works towards establishing a negative and I’ll always try my best to have it the other way. However, this era of my life, I’m going to be my best first, I’m never going to bully myself again and I’m going to give everything God allows me release to everyone willing to be here with this revived, rebranded, unintimidated soul I’ve released, to receive.
Make sure you fill up well, to pour out well!
“This is the second: ‘You shall [unselfishly] love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.” Mark 12:31 AMP
Thank you Itiayo for being used by God, thank you to every one in my life who’s walked with me through seasons, especially the ones for discoveries (lows), thank me for taking the challenge up! Thank you Lord for your wisdom and strategy for seasons to bring us to your good end and for loving me strictly to an even better me. This year and by Gods grace is ending on a sound note! We will be proud (Godly one abeg).